No. #4

"Everybody has bad experiences. Life kind of does that to everybody. The most important thing is you're the hero of your own story. Make it a hero's tale. Don't give up on life. Don't kick the bucket just yet."

I was with somebody a couple of years ago. She purposely got a miscarriage. We weren't really planning for the kid. We did the dirty. Made some babies. She got pregnant. There were arguments back and forth. I wanted to be like, “Hey, it's okay. We can take care of it. There’s plenty of resources.” She wasn't down for it. She told me she was down for it. Then later that night, she got a miscarriage. I'm sure she hit herself in the stomach. Make sure that it didn’t come out. I would have had a two year old by now. But I don’t.

I cherish life, honestly. At least I try to. Because every hour of life is precious. Don't get me wrong, life just sucks. When you get mistreated or you're on the opposite end it just sucks. Life should be valued. Nobody chooses their parents. Nobody chooses whether or not to be here but you're here for a reason. At least that's what I believe. I'm here. I'm a pretty badass shit show. I don't know what to say about life. It's just a trip. Everybody's here for a reason. Nothing happens by mistake.

After the miscarriage, I was thinking about suicide. I'm clean now, but I used to do heroin. It's kind of what led me to do heroin. It sucked. I just felt so defeated. I felt like I got robbed of something. It takes two to make a baby. I just wish I could have had more of a say.

I wish she would have been straight up with me. To say, “Hey, I don't really want it.” That's cool. I felt betrayed. The way it was done, just behind the scenes. I didn't have much of a say. At the same time, I do respect it. In a way, it is her body. She's carrying it. She doesn't want to ask that heavy burden. It’s a woman's body. But man, I almost OD’d on heroin. Even right now it still hurts. I try not to think about it so much. I would have a two year old right now. My life would have been a bit different. Who knows? Everything happens for a reason. It just sucks. I felt like a black hole. I didn’t give a shit about anything or anyone.

I really wish I could have said goodbye. At least give me that honor of saying goodbye. I wish I could go back. No life should be treated like that. Give it a chance. That’s why I’m not able to let go even today. It’s not even being given a chance. It could have been a girl or a boy and I still would have loved it. My parents love me no matter what. The same shit I can pass on to my kids.

I found out I was unplanned when I was fourteen. We were all sitting at the dinner table. We were just having family time. We were talking about each other's births. They told my story and I just learned it right there. Was it shocking? I don't know. It didn’t really change my views or anything. I’m still here. It’s kind of weird, though. I was just happy because a lot of things can happen. People can have kids and give them away. I grew up in Europe and sometimes people would have kids, then you would see them in a dumpster. I was thinking that could have been me. Parents can do that. But I’m glad they actually took care of me. I’m glad they stuck it out for me. That I didn’t end up like that.

Life is precious. That’s what my parents taught me. That's why I have that passion. Why I love experiencing what the world has to offer.

Everybody has bad experiences. Life kind of does that to everybody. The most important thing is you're the hero of your own story. Make it a hero's tale. Don't give up on life. Don't kick the bucket just yet. When you're about to kick the bucket, something good always happens.

Hope is like having a fire you don't ever want to put out. It's like a combination of being optimistic and having faith. That's what hope means to me. For the feelings, it’s like having this fire in your heart, like this little light. It Doesn't matter how big or small it is, as long as it doesn't go out. You still have hope. Never put it out. Because that's your soul, that’s your spirit. That's one thing that won’t let you go into a dark pit.