No. #25

"I don't regret my unplanned pregnancies. I love them. It was hard for me to do a lot of stuff. But you know what, I worked hard and I accomplished a lot of things. And my kids are very smart. They're in a good school. I'm proud of my kids."

I faced many unplanned pregnancies. Me and my former boyfriend, as with just being in love, we weren't taking any precautions with birth control. We got pregnant. It was hard at first. Jumping into it and trying to figure out how we're gonna raise it, because we're teenagers ourselves. I was 17. He was 18.

To be honest, I wasn't planning to ever have kids. I had a hard upbringing myself. I left home at 12. So I didn't want to have her and pass it on to her. The way my dad treated my mom wasn't right, but she wanted us to be okay with it. I didn't want to be one of those kind of parents.

I started working when I was 12. I just had that job for a long time. What I was doing was really stressful too. And I had a breakdown. A big ass breakdown. Like the world is coming down, falling apart. And it took a minute. I went to a depression mode. I didn't know if I'm gonna abort it or not. And it was a lot.

When I found out I was pregnant, I didn't want to have this baby. We didn't really have a place to stay. Neither of us were working a good job. We didn't plan it. I had other plans and goals. It just really x'ed out everything. It was hard. It was unplanned, but it pushed me to be more.

I didn't tell anybody. I would go through nervous breakdowns. I would just isolate myself and just go through it and come back out. I was barely holding myself together.

How did he react? He said it wasn’t his, even though he was the only man I had been with. That’s how he reacted.

I ended up not having an abortion because I felt like I never had somebody to love me. I was always trying perform for love. To get my mother, my dad, my siblings or my family to give me love. Trying to fill that void. I decided not to have an abortion, because this is something I can love. It can love me back. So I had the baby because I wanted something to love me because I wasn't getting it from the men I was with or from my family.

I based having all of my kids off of filling a fucking void.

I see my relationship with my kids, and it's good. But this whole teenager thing. It's new. So I'm trying to deal with it. But our relationship is really good. We communicate better.

My mom didn't think about herself. She only thought about her significant other, and she couldn't raise her kids. So I'm very selfish when it comes to me. I think about me and I like to always put me first. If I don't take care of myself, how am I going to take care of my five kids?

I hope my kids become smarter than I was. I was smart, but I didn't want to use the fucking things that I know I was supposed to be using. I'm not going to tell my kids having a baby or an unplanned pregnancy is the end of their life. It just means there are going to be different routes they're going to have to take to accomplish their goals. Try not to give up even if it’s unplanned. Just plan to be the best that you are.

After I had my son with autism, I really felt like giving up. Throughout my whole life, I always searched for someone to be there. Like another half or someone I can lean on for an ear. I hadn’t recognized that I don't have that. I started getting spiritually connected with my higher power. When I felt like he wasn't listening to me anymore, or like I'm not getting a response, I felt like giving up. I didn't want my kids any more. It’s a shitty thing to say. But I’m real. Truth hurts, lies hurt, so we might as well just get it over with.

I didn't want to do anything. It just felt like he's not listening to me. He’s the only one supposed to be there for me. I know men are gonna leave me, my family doesn't want me, but why is he not listening? I wanted to totally give up. I started doing heavy drugs. I let go of everything. I just said fuck it. Then one day, I'm passed out on the floor, and I look up. It's my son. He says, "Mom, are we going to eat?" Well, shit, that killed my high instantly. So I got my ass up, cleaned up, and shoved down all that giving up shit. I’ve got five kids. Let me go cook. There was no such thing as me giving up, even though I wanted to. But looking at them. It helped me get back on track.

I don't regret my unplanned pregnancies. I love them. It was hard for me to do a lot of stuff. But you know what, I worked hard and I accomplished a lot of things. And my kids are very smart. They're in a good school. I'm proud of my kids.