No. #27

"I was dead set at 18 that if I were pregnant in any situation that I would have an abortion. That was 100% no questions asked. Now that I am older, I’m not quite sure."

When I was 14, my first boyfriend raped me. That situation was completely and totally out of my control. I was so scared that I was pregnant, and as a 14-year-old girl, I wasn't around people or friends that were talking openly about sex. But I knew that there was a pill called “Plan B” that just in case that anything went wrong, you could take this pill and it would prevent a pregnancy. I went to get some, but you needed to be 18 or older to get it without a prescription. Now, I definitely was not going to go to my family for help, so I got a friend to go out and get it for me.

Because it was such a high dose of hormones and because I was so young, it actually ended up screwing up my period for the next three years. So my reproductive system was really negatively influenced from just this one experience without having real knowledge of what sex was. Not understanding the physiological and emotional repercussions that come from having sex, especially things that include the scope of abortion or unplanned pregnancy which I can only imagine would have added to that in really negative ways already.

I was just entering high school. I went to catholic school too, so that really helped. I don’t know if you guys are familiar with John Oliver. Tonight he has a whole episode on sex. There’s a member on there from a religious organization, called Pam Stencil. She comes to your school and she yells at you. The whole thing is centered around women and how women are basically the equivalent to gum. The more times that you chew this piece of “gum,” the less flavor you have and the less you have to offer your future permanent partner. That was the kind of setting that I grew up in.

After having gone through all this bullshit, I went to Planned Parenthood. I talked to a nurse practitioner who went through every stage of what could have possibly happened to begin with and how I can now take care of myself and actually have my own autonomy in my sexual identity. I will never ever forget that moment with that woman. By myself, having come from this school that just told me that I was now about to burn in eternal damnation– that I wasn’t worth anything– to going to a nurse practitioner at Planned Parenthood. Having her actually explain to me what sex really looks like and that there are all these unplanned issues that can pop up but they don’t necessarily have to be the end of the world.

I was trying to cover all my bases. My first base was that I don't want to be pregnant. I thought that would be the worst thing of all. Then the second side of it was I don’t want to have a sexually transmitted infection. How do I take care of myself? How do I have sex with my boyfriend? What does that actually look like, especially for a woman. Taking care of yourself before, during, and after. That’s a whole process and that’s something that has to be explained because there’s so many different stages and steps. So that was the main catalyst in me going to a place that offered all these different services.

I actually kept this from my friends, my family, and anyone for four years until I was 18. I was in an abusive relationship for those four years with the same individual. I had no idea even what a relationship even entailed. When I did tell them they were so outraged that I didn’t come to them sooner. That I had purposely lied, as if my sexual identity belonged to my parents and that they needed to be with me through that coming of age. Or understanding that it wasn’t safe for me to walk those waters alone when it really isn’t that complicated or confusing. It just needs to be laid out and that’s exactly what Planned Parenthood did.

My “boyfriend” at the time told me that if either of our families knew that we would get into so much trouble. He said he liked me so much and he just wanted to keep going. That I was so beautiful and so wonderful. There was a need to protect him in particular from the misunderstandings of what our family units would take from this. That's one of the reasons why I never told my parents. Then, after entering freshman year and realizing that if I were to tell my best friends, I would be the girl that had sex and that was all I would ever be. Even though there were others that had sex before, I didn’t want that to become my label.

My boyfriend was not worried that there might have been a pregnancy. Not in any way, shape, or form. When our relationship finally did end, we had unprotected sex for three days in a row when I came and visited him. When I came back I was almost convinced that I was pregnant. There was no communication between the two of us. About him not using a condom and the frequency in which we had been having sex. There was no doubt in my head that I was about to end senior year of high school pregnant and not going to my chosen school. This whole thing was about to blow us and this is what I imagine a lot of unplanned pregnancies must feel like. That their world must be imploding in front of them. I went about a month or so without knowing. I finally found out when I went back to Planned Parenthood and found out that I wasn’t. I called him and I let him know. The first thing he said was “Oh you’re pulling the pregnancy card, seriously? What are you doing to my life? Do you want to wreck what I already have in place?” That was when that whole relationship ended. That was when I finally took the reins and said, "Oh my gosh. That is where you are at in your head and I’m in a very different place. I’m preparing to let go of school altogether because I might now have to take care of another individual."

It was so difficult not being able to plan in advance what I was going to do. I am very meticulous and I have my classes planned over here and my meal schedule over here. This is when I exercise and this is when I can read. Even if you know for certain that you are pregnant, there’s not much you can plan in advance for that. I didn't know if I was pregnant or not but if I was pregnant then everything that I ever held as being who I am is kind of out the door and I have to rebuild.

There were a lot of things placed on me throughout the years that told me what success would look like. I knew in the back of my head that it would be fine. That my parents would financially be able to take care of myself and this child. But I think it was more the idea that I wouldn’t become the full person in my mind that I wanted to be.

I was dead set at 18 that if I were pregnant in any situation that I would have an abortion. That was 100% no questions asked. Now that I am older, I’m not quite sure. My ex and I had broken up and we were both dating new people. We were still hooking up with one another. Within the same week, he hooked up with me and he hooked up with this other girl. There’s this new trend now. It’s super fucked up. It’s taking off a condom in the middle of sex without telling the other person and then ejaculating into them. He did that and I got super upset. I said this is it, you are done, bye. I took a pregnancy test and wasn’t. Thank God. Unfortunately, he had done the same thing with this other girl, the same exact week he had done it with me. The other girl got pregnant and gave birth last August. The child is a year old now, today. That’s crazy. That’s insane.

I am the youngest and I was actually unplanned in my family. I realized that I wasn’t planned when I started investigating with my mom. I asked questions, taking care of 3 kids is a lot of work, why did you guys want a third? Things started coming out. My mom was like, "You just happened, but we were so excited and so over the moon. We'd known something had been missing and you were just here and it just made sense." I kind of see unplanned pregnancy in that way as well. If something is supposed to happen or if someone is supposed to come into your life and whether there for only a short amount of time, like say a one-night stand and you end up with this beautiful child, full of life. That could be the greatest thing ever, that could be so much better than Georgetown. I look at where I am right now, having not ever been pregnant. Having been able to go to the number one public university in the world. I see that, and my idea of what a full person looks like is an 18-year old’s perspective on the world. A full person can include a child, planned or not.