No. #30

"I can tell you even right now I feel sad. I almost feel like tears are coming to my eyes because it is a sad thing. At the same time I'm looking out for myself. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it's selfish."

I had a girlfriend from England. Maybe 25 years ago. Two pregnancies, two abortions. I think that she just could tell that I didn't want it. I feel bad about that. I’ve actually been to therapy over it. Incredibly wonderful woman. Nicest girl I've ever met. Could have been an easy success. I'm kind of a loner. I just have this direction that seems to be all about me. So maybe I'm self-oriented. People get involved with me, and then we're all sorry.

When I got out of high school, it was 1971. We were still kind of in the 60’s era. I started getting into drinking, smoking pot, and taking drugs. As I got older, 24 or 25, I was really getting drunk every day. I became an alcoholic. I went to jail a couple times. Lost my license. I had to change. I ended up in a program. I got sober and I stayed sober. Two years after that, I met Annette. I was a different person. I was clean. I was awake. More available. Life was new and different. I was 30 or 35 at that point.

One thing led to the next and she got pregnant. When I found out that she was pregnant, I was like, "I can't have this."

I'm sure there was a part of me that probably felt like I fit in in the way my family would want me to fit in. Italians do families. Everything I learned was from my family. It was incredible to have this kind of family to learn. To teach us. We gathered as often as we could. Especially on Christmas. We really learned that that family was precious, powerful and awesome. There was probably something inside of me that said this could be a good thing. It sort of filled that part of me.

But I think it just wasn't for me. And she could just tell, I think. We must have talked about it. Women just look at me and they can tell. My life has a different direction.

On one hand, I was relieved when those abortions happened. On the other hand, I do feel to some degree that was a person.

But you block it out. I believe that I really couldn't do that or didn't want to do it. I could have done it but I didn't want to do it. I had to take a stand with myself. That's just the way it goes. There's a lot of controversy on whether that person is a person at that point.

I can tell you even right now I feel sad. I almost feel like tears are coming to my eyes because it is a sad thing. At the same time I'm looking out for myself. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it's selfish. There’s probably a hurt there. There's sadness. I had a hypnotherapist I talked to about it. We sat down for weeks and tried to go back but I don't really remember anything about it.

I saw Annette about seven months ago. I thought this is a good opportunity to call her, meet her and apologize. I apologized for whatever pain I might have caused there. She was just happy to see me. We got along really well. The past is the past, that’s what she said.