No. #5

"I had 6 kids and then the three foster kids. Plus all the other kids in the neighborhood coming over. I was the mom that everybody wanted to be with. I fed them good, fixed them sandwiches. They were always hungry. I took people in, families in. Whatever I could do to help them."

I met this guy, but I was in love with somebody else at the time. But we weren't getting along and I decided to go with this other guy. He was Hawaiian. The man was gorgeous. He looked like Erik Estrada on CHiPs. You know, he had that dark complexion, and his hair was all feathered back on both sides. God. How could I say no? I got pregnant. It was so close together, I wasn't sure whose it was. I had to tell my ex and he wasn't too happy about it.

I felt strange. It wasn't planned and I was scared. I didn't know how to tell either of them. I was caught in the middle and it was very scary. I didn't know what was gonna happen. It's one thing to tell one guy. But to tell two? And one was in jail. He wasn't too happy. I said, "Well, you put me in this position. You weren't here for me. I didn't ask you to go to jail. You did it yourself, being stupid." I got lonely. Somebody was nice to me. He asked me if I loved the guy. I said I didn't love him. But I love the baby. From there we went on. I had a lot of explaining to do to my son, Sean, when he got old enough.

I had gone into jail to tell him about the baby. It wasn't something I was happy to do. I was scared. He screwed up, but I really screwed up. He was pissed. He was really mad. He asked me if I loved him. I told him that I have always loved him. He said, "Well, that baby's mine." When he got out, we stayed together. He straightened his ass up for a while, and then he enjoyed Sean. He treated Sean like it was his own kid. I was happy about that, but he kept messing up. I was with him for 26 years. We had a good strong relationship in the beginning, but I started having kids and I think it pushed him away.

He was kinda needy. He liked one-on-one, just me and him. He liked not having the responsibilities of another person. Me and the baby took a lot of time away from him. It wasn't just him getting all the attention anymore. We wanted to go places and do things, and he didn't really do it with the baby. I think I pushed him away. But it's not my problem, it's his. He could've stayed there and worked with us. After that I had three more kids with him. I have a total of 6 kids. And then I adopted 3 more. He went back and forth in jail and doing whatever he's doing. He swore he would help me with the kids. I believed him! I was stupid and young! And that's what got me in a lot of different situations: believing in him. So over the years I've learned I've gotta believe in myself and do things myself. So that's what I've been doing.

I had 6 kids and then the three foster kids. Plus all the other kids in the neighborhood coming over. I was the mom that everybody wanted to be with. I fed them good, fixed them sandwiches. They were always hungry. I took people in, families in. Whatever I could do to help them.

I was working. I worked for Northwest Mental Health in a men's home. I supported myself there. I've worked three jobs there, actually. This was when the kids were younger. I worked the morning shift 8 to 4. Then I worked the four to twelve. And then I also did the 32-hour weekend pull. So I had three jobs at that time. Very little time with the kids. I made it work. They were really good kids. It was amazing, though. We loved it. It they did good with their homework and school, then we'd go once a month to the bowling alley and have a nice lunch.

Then the state took away my kids, cause they said I was a bad mom. It broke my heart. The worst thing they could've done to anybody is say, "You're a bad mom." It still hurts. I got through the years not knowing what was going on with my kids. Not knowing anything about them. They let me see them for the first six months and then they told me no more. They wanted me to go to counseling. The counselor I had at the time was all for me. She goes, "What the heck, Cindy? What are you doing wrong? You ain't doing nothing wrong, honey." She was for me, but it still didn't matter. I didn't know that if I didn't get my kids back within a year, I wouldn't be able to get them back at all.

They made it sound like if I jumped through the hoops, it would be okay. I jumped through the hoops. I got us a place where I could have all my kids. Still no. I stocked up the refrigerator and freezer. Still no. I did a lot of crap. It didn't work.

I'm not sorry about my life or my choices. It got me to where I am. I'm sorry for the things I lost. The lost time with my kids. But I had to get there to get here. I don't know if the next part of my life's gonna be good. I'm just waiting for it to pick up.

I've got counselors and stuff that I'm working with and have been working with. I thank God for them. Otherwise I wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for Him and my counselors, I would not be here. I'd have been somewhere else. Dead, or whatever. It's been a hard and rough road, but I've still got a smile on my face. I still wonder what God's got for me next cause I know it's gonna be good.