No. #13

"There were times in my late teens when I thought I would want to be a dad. I’m great with kids...I know I would be a good dad. With my dad ditching out on my family super young, I would never do that to a kid."

I was dating this girl for three months. I learned that she actually ended up sleeping with my best friend, which is why we broke up. Literally a month later, she calls me and tells me she’s pregnant. And I was freaking out because I was sixteen at the time. She was eighteen. I had just gone through a bunch of legal issues. It was just a crazy story when I was sixteen. I was stupid and I was really not sure what was happening with my life. I had been charged with two felonies. I was not sure really what was gonna happen with my life. And then all of this on top of it.

It really was one of those surreal moments where you just wake up, and it freaked me out. I had a minor heart attack going through that. But about a month later there was a miscarriage.

The crazy part was that her doctors had told her her whole life that she couldn’t get pregnant. It wouldn’t happen because she had some type of upside down uterus or something. She couldn’t have kids, so we were obviously stupid.

I won’t say I’m relieved that it happened, but I felt a huge pressure off my chest. I believe that it’s a life in there. There’s some type of life force in there. So for that to no longer exist is, you know, death basically. It’s not something to be stoked about. But at the same time I was relieved. I was a sixteen-year-old kid. I didn’t know what I was doing with my life. That would have meant me focusing on that. I spent my whole life growing up without my dad. I know for me, that if I had a kid I would be there for that kid. I’d put aside all my dreams for that. I don’t want to do that, quite frankly.

When she first told me she was pregnant, I don’t think I really said anything after that for a good minute or so. I think I was just quiet. I think she was trying to be like, you know, “It’s okay. We’ll figure it out. We’ll see what happens.” I told her to keep me posted. That I’ll do what I can.

It was a really kinda short conversation. I just went home. And just sat in my room and just freaked out. Every single possible scenario is running through my head. If it did work out, how would I handle that? If it didn’t work out, how will I handle that emotionally? Am I supposed to handle that emotionally with her? Because we had broken up at that point.

I was raised in a really conservative home in Montana, and the whole entire town is pretty conservative. So abortion is a huge no-no in that community. It’s a very religious community. The stigma of it was that you’re killing a baby. You’re killing someone.

In my life, I know that literally having a baby would ruin my entire way of life. Obviously I would make the best out of having children, but I know somewhere deep inside of me I’d be disappointed that I never followed my dreams.

Back then when I was sixteen I was still heavily religious. So abortion was a big no-no for me. Same with her. So we were just gonna have this kid then. We’ll figure it out. It was weird, but we were prepared to do it. I would have done it. I wouldn’t have had any choice. I don’t know.

There were times in my late teens when I thought I would want to be a dad. I’m great with kids. My nephew is my best friend. I love the dude. I know I would be a good dad. With my dad ditching out on my family super young, I would never do that to a kid. I wanted so hard to be everything my father was not. And one of those things would be to be a good parent. I haven’t seen him in 15 years. I haven’t even spoken to him in probably 6. If I was to be a parent, I’d want to be the exact opposite.

But at the same time, in the last two years I’ve really been proving to myself that I can make my music happen. I just had this epiphany one day where I realized that if music is what I want to do, I have to do it fully. I can’t let anything else get in the way of that. That was the day I decided kids weren’t for me.

If I were to have a kid, I would 100% be there for it and take care of it. I know what it’s like growing up without a parent and I would never want to put another human being through that. It’s a really weird cycle. You see a lot of kids who are abandoned end up being the parent who abandons their kid, too. The same thing happened to my dad. He met his father on his dad's deathbed. He vowed never to be like that, but a few years later he became just that.