No. #11

"That pregnancy was probably the first time in my life that I walked through something that I didn't think I could make it through."

I married at 18 and had a son. I divorced 16 years after that. I was kind of on my own for the first time in my life because I went right out of high school into that first marriage. I met a guy and we started coexisting together. Don't ask me why, I was 39 years old, and it doesn't make sense. I guess I forgot where babies came from. We were 5 years into the relationship and I was pregnant. It'd been 19 years since I'd had a child. I was pretty scared. I was more afraid of taking this responsibility on again. I didn't want to get married. I didn't feel like the pregnancy was a good reason to get married. We were both drinkers. I had just gone to treatment and gotten sober a month before I got pregnant, but he was continuing to drink. I wasn't ready to split up with him, but I didn't want to get married. My poor mother made it through all her daughters in high school and here she has a 40-year-old unwed pregnant daughter.

He thought that abortion would be the answer. For myself, I could not fathom that. I said to him, at some point, "I'm gonna go through with this, and if you don't want to I understand, but I'm gonna go through with it." And we stuck together. Three years later, we got married. We had a little boy and he's 30 now.

It did turn out okay, but it was terribly frightening. I was a professional woman. I was a realtor. I'm from another generation where that's taboo. I went ahead and continued to work and did what I could and got through it. The birth was easy, and I had a healthy baby boy, so it worked out well. But it was really frightening. I had to stay in the moment and deal with what was going on right now, and not jump out and worry about what might happen in the future. Just kept believing that I would have whatever it took. That's what I prayed. Because I was older, the doctor did a blood test on me and told me I was at high risk for Spina Bifida and Down Syndrome. I had to accept that and did a lot of praying and asked for help.

The most empowering thing people would say to us was, "It'll keep you young." My husband didn't wanna hear one more person say that to him. But you know what? It was the truth. The nurse, the day that I went in, told me that the tests said I was pregnant. I burst into tears. But she said, "Oh, this can be a beautiful experience." I heard her. I remember thinking that it wasn't true. Actually, I felt like saying, "If it's gonna be so beautiful, you do it for me, because I don't wanna do it." But she was right. I couldn't see it at the moment, but it was. Still is. I guess it made me who I am.

My husband didn't act like he was excited about the pregnancy. That was hard. I didn't feel like I really had the support there either. Not even from my mom. She was supportive, but she was embarrassed. She may have even thought that an abortion would be a good idea. She told me that she thought I couldn't handle it. I just came out of treatment for alcoholism. That was 31 years ago and I have remained sober the whole time. Some goodness came out of the birth. It kind of got me through that first year when it's the hardest to stay sober.

If this pregnancy had happened to me in the days when I was drinking, I would have gone ahead and had the abortion. But I was clean, and I couldn't use alcohol to cover those feelings of guilt. I couldn't deal with the guilt. I was at a stage in my life where I was sober and had to deal with reality as it was. The reality was I couldn't do it. I prayed, probably the first time I really relied on a power greater than myself to get me through whatever it is I had to go through. That was really what got me through.

I would tell someone facing an unexpected pregnancy to try to find their heart in it. To find their values and their meaning in the pregnancy. To make the decisions from that. Not from what well-wishers would think would be the best thing for you to do. I had my own mother, who I valued greatly, thinking I couldn't do it. I had the father of the child kinda nonchalant about it. I was pretty much alone, and I guess I had to find and believe in what I believed in. Even those voices in my head, I had to turn those off and think through what the best thing was for me. I just relied on that power. I was months sober when that happened so that was all I had. I believed that I could stay sober if I did the things they said, and that was relying on a power greater than myself. It was really between me and that power that I was able to do it. That's what I would say to someone. You have that connection; rely on it. You're set. Because the well-wishers, even mothers, will say, "I don't think this is a good thing for you."

It actually was so frightening for me to think I could be the mother of a child that would have disabilities. I really couldn't go that far. The teachings of the 12-step program I belonged to are to stay in the moment. Am I okay right now? Can I handle this today? That was the best thing for me. When it got too frightening, I stayed in the moment. Right now, I can do it. If I can't, I think I'll be able to make a decision at that time.

No matter how alone I might feel, I'm not alone. No matter what it is a person believes in, they have it. It's there, that's part of them. There's always something that we can rely on to help get us through it. At least, it helped me.
My son is very intuitive. I think that's really good, because it was intuition that carried me through. He's very creative. He's an artist. He has some problems, because that disease of alcoholism runs in our family. He has that, but as a person he's just a great guy. He's very helpful to his father and I. He's a good son. Excellent son. So glad I went through it.
A year after we got married, my husband got sober. I think he got sober because of our son. When he talks to other people about it, he says he saw that little two-year-old boy mimicking him by staggering around. That's what changed his mind. He said our son was his reason.

You can't know what will come out of a situation. I couldn't know. I could not even fathom. It can always be bad, but it can always be better than you think it was. Than you can believe it was. It turned out to be very good. It kept us young.
It showed me that I can do more than I think I can do. I believe that even today. What got me here to Seattle from Montana for cancer treatment was the belief that I can do more than I think I can do. I didn't think I could do it. But the doors just kept opening, and I just kept walking through them. That pregnancy was probably the first time in my life that I walked through something that I didn't think I could make it through.