No. #22

"I got kicked to the curb. It cost me my job. It cost me everything. My family, everything...Maybe in the future I can have a relationship with them."

When she told me she was pregnant, I was ecstatic. So excited. That was my second marriage. I’ve got a 5-year-old son from a previous marriage, who I just adore. But I was really excited to have another child. She had two kids of her own. I was a dad of three at that point. It was really exciting.

Then we went our separate ways. She got a little violent in the house. Society doesn’t really believe a guy when he says a woman gets violent. I got kicked to the curb. It cost me my job. It cost me everything. My family, everything.
I had a choice. I can either stew and fret over it, or I can make something of myself. So I dreamed up what would be the coolest thing I could ever do with my life. Mountain guiding was it for me. Today, being hired is kind of a big milestone in my life. I guess my hope is that my sons will see some of the work that I do out in the mountains. They’re my blood, so hopefully it speaks to their hearts. Maybe in the future I can have a relationship with them.

The hardest part of not being with my kids is missing all the little things. Missing the milestones. The first walk, the first giggles and all the little “coo” sounds that babies make. It kinda makes me sad that my kids have to pay the price of two adults that can’t get along.

I think they’ll see what I’m doing. That’s the hope. That’s what gets me out of bed in the morning.
My ex-wife is not a bad person. She has her own stuff, and for whatever reason, it came out the way it did. I don’t hold anything against her, but she’s made it pretty tough on me.

I’m Christian, so my faith is really the thing I cling to. The mountains are kind of a second part of that. I feel like when I’m in the mountains, I get the freedom to really think about things. I get to feel a little more safely. In the city I feel really claustrophobic. Just bottled up. I just look at some of the empty faces walking around the city and I know there’s more to life than just the nine-to-five.

Stepping away from that office job, stepping into the mountains, is really doing a lot of healing. I’m an army vet, so I’ve also got the PTSD thing going on. It just kinda complicates everything. I think finding that is just being true to yourself. Be as authentic as you can with people, and just be nice. There’s no reason to be mean or upset about things. Everybody’s in a different spot in their life and wrestling their own things. Just being patient with that is kind of my number one way I find peace.

I want my kids to see that they can overcome and they can do anything they set their minds to. They don’t have to settle because their dreams don’t come true. They can work a little harder to get at it. If they’re passionate about something, life lines up and allows you to do it. If you’re on the right path, you shouldn’t have to force it.

I would hope that they see that their father wrestled with PTSD, but really took the time to understand it. Then really decided to do something about it. It’s not easy for me. Every day is a new set of triggers. It’s a new set of challenges. You get tough people and they set you off and you have to be able to deal with that. I think a month ago, I probably wouldn’t have been able to sit here. The anxiety and that type of thing. I think through the mountains and through my faith, I think it’s just slowly helped me heal. I think my sons have a little bit of that in their makeup. They could likely have that type of challenge in their future. I hope they see that they can overcome anything. And then I guess I would just tell them that they’re loved, and that their father hasn’t forgotten them.

To other fathers who have lost their kids: get up in the morning. Even though it’s crushing, you don’t want to and the amount of pain just seems insurmountable. Just get up in the morning. Even if it’s something you think makes you happy. Like mountaineering, it might not at first. Give yourself something to do every day and just try to make little goals every day. For me, going to the grocery store was a big deal. I couldn’t handle it. And last week I was able to go for the first time on my own and actually shop for myself. Just keep swinging. Don’t give up. It gets better. Or shit, that’s the theory.

It’s hard to imagine loving someone so much and having something so horrible used against you. I haven’t been able to reconcile that one yet. I think my best chance to see my sons again is to become the best version of me I can. That and trying to be visible to my sons so when they start getting curious and asking questions, I’m in the area. Hopefully by their love, we can be reunited someday. But that’s my hope.