No. #29

"I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone in my life. I felt so much loneliness. I was away from my family, my friends, and was in this abusive relationship."

I got pregnant when I was in my early 20s with a partner who I was living with. It was a pretty volatile relationship and really unexpected. The right choice was to have an abortion. So I was 21 at the time and living rurally away from everything I know. All of the circumstances were rather toxic and unhealthy. I was really young, and that wasn’t what we were planning for the future at that time.

When I first found out, I felt terrified. It was pretty confusing. Inwardly my body started to change. I could feel being pregnant. I think it's always been my destiny to be a mom. It's my nature.

So I was battling between natural instincts and logic. But the logic ended up winning out in that fight. It was a mix of emotions, but I think fear was probably the most prevalent one that I was walking through in those moments.

My boyfriend was definitely not happy about the situation. I didn’t feel supported even though I knew what was right for me, which was to not see the pregnancy through. I didn’t feel like he was my partner at that moment. Feeling pregnant was challenging. I was getting sick, he would hear me getting sick and wouldn’t help me or check in on me. And even though I would have wanted him to support my decision to have an abortion, I would also want him to be compassionate and understanding and emotionally present. He wasn’t any of those things.

In the moment, the main reason I got the abortion was the toxicity of that relationship. I felt like I was too young. It was a big dodging of a proverbial bullet. I can’t fathom having to be connected to that person in that way for the rest of my life, had I decided to go through with the pregnancy.

My emotions after the abortion were a little more complex. A toxic element of our relationship was his relationship with his mom. She did not approve of me, and he invited her to join us at our home. He let her book the trip over the weekend I had the abortion appointment, so we had to lie about it. I pretended I had a dentist appointment.

He was in the room with me during the procedure which surprised me and actually was a little comforting.

I had to walk through protesters. That was really intense and hard. Then it happened and it was painful, terrifying and uncomfortable. He took me out to lunch. Then we had to go home and pretend like none of that just happened.

They give you a paper bag with brochures and medications and things like that. I had tucked it away and hid it in the kitchen. I mentioned to him that I think his mom might have found it and that blew up into a fight. He felt like I had intentionally left in a place where she could find it.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone in my life. I felt so much loneliness. I was away from my family, my friends, and was in this abusive relationship. I trusted that I had done the right thing, and I didn’t feel remorse. I don’t feel remorse today. But I did feel incredibly alone. The hardest part was not feeling supported at all.

All in all, it was a pretty heavy experience. Though, I am grateful it turned out the way that it did.