No. #26

"Since I thought my birth mom was on her deathbed, I wrote her an email telling her, 'Hey, I've had a wonderful life, I have harbored no resentment at all against you, nothing but good positive things. Your decision, whenever you made it and why you had to make it, didn't affect me negatively at all.'"

I am an unplanned pregnancy. I was adopted and I grew up always knowing that. I was totally fine with that and embraced the family I was adopted into. But a few years ago, I was at work and I got a phone call. I thought that it was a weird phishing thing. But the woman said she was from Lutheran Social Services. She said, “Your birth family is trying to contact you.”

My head was spinning after that. It was so wild. I was 45 then, and I’m 50 now. I hadn’t expected that at that age they would reach out.

I had left my birth family a letter when I was eighteen to say if they ever want to contact me they can. My birth mom thought she was on her deathbed, and she had never told her family about me. So she told them. I have two half-sisters it turns out. They wanted to find me.

Since I thought my birth mom was on her deathbed, I wrote her an email telling her, “Hey, I’ve had a wonderful life, I have harbored no resentment at all against you, nothing but good positive things. Your decision, whenever you made it and why you had to make it, didn’t affect me negatively at all.”

My birth mom recovered, so I went out to Chicago and met her. I was married with two kids. My daughter went out with me to meet my mom. My son was in the army then, so he couldn’t go. I met my half sisters and their kids, too. It was amazing. I never felt like I had a hole in my life. I know certain adopted people that do feel that way, but the family that I grew up with was so embracing that I never felt that way.

It was nice. They all won my heart in many different ways. My birth mom did end up passing the next year. When she was going through her decline, she kind of had dementia. But my little half sister would tell me, “Even when she was out of it, if I talked about you, she would perk up and she would be there.” That was pretty cool.

I ended up going out for her funeral. My little half-sister and I are still close. We talk a lot. I’ve met some other relatives off of that side and gotten their stories, so it’s been really good that way.

It was touching. Seeing these vibrant little people that have some of your characteristics and they took to me and liked me. One of my nephews, he loves my name, Guy Palagi. He knew I write fiction and he started writing a spy novel and the spy's name was Guy Palagi.

The whole thing was really touching. It seemed more emotional even before I met them, the unknown. But then once meeting them, it felt more comfortable. As the unknown became known, it was easier for me to settle in and fit. Before that, my mind was just racing in all directions all the time.

I haven’t met my birth father but she told me the story of him. She told me his name which I hadn’t known before. After she had me, he left her for her best friend. I was like “Ugh, is that in my genetic code? Is that part of who I am? I hope not.”

It was sad, the way she was treated by her parents. Her parents had sent her out to Montana to go have a baby away from everybody. You can’t come back with this child if you want to be part of the family. They were hard about that. She carried a lot of shame and guilt about the whole episode.

I think I helped lift some of that from her just by being okay and not being judgmental towards her. I felt like part of my role was just giving her understanding for what she had been through. My life was fine, she had the hard part. She had threats from her family. It was easier for me.

The thing I admire most about is her resilience. She had a strong sense of family. I have a strong sense of family. But it was sad for her to go through. She was 27 at the time.

I was born in 1967. In 1967 if you weren’t married, you were cut out. I guess this guy had no intentions of marrying her. I think it was really painful for her to have her parents draw that kind of line with her.

The thing birth moms need to know is that the people that get your kids really, really want them. They are vetted. They are put through the ringer. I’ve known people that have tried for adoptions, and it is a really difficult, difficult process. The people that get your children are so happy to have them, and have been shaping their lives to have this moment. Your kids will be alright. I know today’s world is different for adoptions and there is more interaction with birth moms. But back then it was different.

I always found adoption liberating because I remember even at an early age I felt like kids were confined by their family to be a certain way and like certain things. I felt like I’m whatever I want to be. I always felt that. I didn’t feel genetically confined by a family structured to be a certain way or a certain thing. I always felt pretty free about it.
My parents were very cool. I can remember as a little kid I had just a little slip of paper that told a little bit about my birth family. My mom would get out the slip of paper and she’d read to me. “Your birth father played piano, hockey and he had long fingers. Your birth mom was into drama and English.” I’m an English major. I guess some of that did have an impression on me. I was always kind of drawn to those things anyway.